Relationship Skills

We all have relationships with people, whether it is with our spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or even our children.  While most of the time we love those we have relationships with, sometimes we lack the basic skills in keeping those relationships healthy.  John Gottman, one of the nation's leading researchers on why marriages are successful or unsuccessful, has come up with nine important relationship skills.  While these are given with marriage in mind, I think they are important tools for any relationship.  Dr. Gottman and his researchers have pinpointed these nine skills and have determined that, if learned, these skills can help to put a relationship on a positive path.  There are basically two different categories for these skills: the do's and the don'ts.

The Don'ts

1. Criticism-Attacking someone's personality or character with accusations and blame (for example, "You never think of anyone else," or "How can you be so stupid").

2. Contempt-Intentional insulting, name calling, rolling the eyes, sneering.

3. Defensiveness-Feeling victimized by others in response to contempt, and refusing to take responsibility for personal actions.  Being defensive blocks a couple's ability to deal with an issue.  Even if one partner feels completely justified in his/her actions, becoming defensive only adds to the couple's problems.

4. Stonewalling-Withdrawing from interactions and refusing to communicate at all.  When couples refuse to communicate about their issues, the relationship becomes fragile. (Note: It is completely fair in a relationship to explain to your partner that you are overloaded emotionally and that you need to take a break, call "time out," and calm down before you say something you don't mean.)

The Do's

5. Calm Down-Disengaging from an interaction before something hurtful is said must last for at least 25 minutes for a person to really calm down.  Otherwise, it is easy to slip back into an emotionally charged conversation and to say things that are hurtful.

6. Complaint-Bringing up a complaint about a specific issue or behavior is actually one of the healthiest activities a couple can engage in (for example, "When you fail to call me to let me know you are going to be late, it makes me feel like you aren't considering my feelings and the fact that I will worry about you.")

7. Speak Non-Defensively-This kind of language is an art form that usually includes speaking with a soft voice, beginning with "I feel..." statements rather than "You..." statements.  Listeners must demonstrate trust in order to communicate effectively without eliciting defensiveness.

8. Validate-To validate another person, one must: Listen by giving full attention, listen to the emotions and needs being expressed, and understand from the other person's point of view.

9. Overlearn Skills-To overlearn means to master the eight other skills in the list so that they remain available even in times of weariness, stress, or anger.

One suggestion I would give if you really want to know where your strengths and weaknesses are in these skills is to keep track of them for a week.  Write them down on a tally sheet, and then 3 or 4 times a day put a plus or minus sign next to each skill: a plus if you did the skill correctly, or a negative sign if you did not.  After the week is up, tally up all your scores and see where you stand.  This also helps you to learn the skills better, and think about them more often, which can help you implement them more in your life, which is good!  You can also use this same method to track your 8 personal needs to see what areas you are lacking in and need to improve in to help find greater balance and happiness in your life!