Personal Needs

Most people have heard that before you can love others, you have to love yourself.  I believe this is true, and if we want to be happy in our marriages and family lives, we need to learn to be happy with ourselves as well.  Part of learning to be happy with ourselves is getting to know ourselves better.  Researches have found that there are at least 8 needs that must be met if people are to feel happy, satisfied, and fulfilled.

1. Develop a positive picture of themselves.  We all have weaknesses and shortcomings that we want to overcome, but focusing on these weaknesses in an obsessive way only makes us depressed and can lead to untrue thoughts of ourselves.  Instead, when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts of yourself, try to replace those thoughts with positive ones, such as "I am a good friend, I can be trusted, I'm kind, I'm spiritual, etc".  This kind of talk is called positive self-talk.  Inner conversations can have a powerful effect on self-concept, so make a conscious effort to turn negative thoughts into positive ones!

2.  Develop close real-love relationships.  All people need to have close real-love relationships in order to feel worthwhile and to feel like they belong.  Real love and real relationships build; they never destroy.  It is kind, giving, unselfish, and sometimes unconditional.  Counterfeit love is manipulative, selfish, and conditional upon performance instead of worth as members of the human family.

3.  Feel like they belong.  Get rid of all conditions you place upon yourself, such as : I won't feel like I belong unless I'm popular, or unless I get a raise at work, wear the nicest clothes, etc.  These are mind traps, and you stop them by consciously not allowing yourself to think in this way.

4.  Receive the respect of others and themselves.  People have a real need to be honored and to be held in high regard, both by themselves and by others.  If you have to choose between popularity and self-respect, always choose self-respect.  It is miserable to be respected and liked by others, but not like or respect oneself.  Be true to who you are and what you know.

5.  Feel worthwhile by developing a healthy self-esteem.  When you are alone with you, have you ever asked yourself the question, "Do you love me?"

6.  Feel competent.  We all need to feel that we are good at something.  What are you good at?  Social and emotional skills such as showing kindness, making good moral decisions, and showing compassion and forgiveness may be less noticeable than other skills, but they are just as critical, and maybe even more so, to feeling competent.

7.  To experience growth.  Stretch, learn, and climb out of your comfort zone and try something new!  Learn a new hobby or skill.  Improve your home, or start a collection.  Volunteer or work in your yard.  Read books or learn how to cook something new!

8.  To feel safe and secure.  People need to feel some degree of safety and security. 

Once you understand how these needs relate to yourself, expand your thinking to realizing that everyone you know has these same needs that need to be met, and recognize how you can help them to reach these needs for themselves.  Also, work or other responsibilities also have these needs, and recognizing that can help you to be a better employee/person in how you deal with these responsibilities if you are conscious of meeting these needs for others as well.

The eight personal needs and their definitions came mostly from the text book, "Balancing Work and Family in the Real World" written by Victor W. Harris, a professor in Family Life Studies at Utah State University.